I wrote this as a post on Facebook the other day. I thought I'd post here too.
Not to get too sappy, but this video just made me cry and cry and cry. I usually would stop myself, I don't let the tears flow freely. When I was with my little sister the other weekend, we talked about how we push down the feelings of intense pain. We get tears in our eyes and we brush them away. She mentioned that a new friend had asked her if she had anyone with whom she could just cry. Just really let it out, free of judgement. I'd had similar conversations with some of my other siblings recently. Obviously, we have each other, but we also try to be really strong for one another. And we all live in different states, different countries even. Grieving over the phone isn't easy, natural, or even really possible. Because the next wave of grief can't be planned.
And, thinking about it further, I'm not sure if the question really is do we have someone, but will we let ourselves? Will we give ourselves permission to "go there"? It's hard and it's scary. I have this feeling that I haven't let myself "grieve" yet. I think this makes sense considering the nature of my dad's departure. It's very confusing, all the unknowns. But, I'm realizing, I'm trying to define grief. I'm trying to put it in a box. I see other people's grief and I think, "well, that's not how I'm behaving/feeling/acting/reacting, so I must not be grieving yet." But that's their grief, not mine. I think about the Stages of Grief and I don't think they apply to me. I don't feel anger and I'm not sure I ever will. Does that mean I'm doing it wrong? Grief isn't one size fits all and maybe this is my grief. I have been grieving and I will continue to grieve. And it may not be in the right order, or at the right time, or in the right amount, or in the right shape. It just will be.
From Lament for a Son, by Nicholas Wolterstorff:
"Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song."
Ok, I got a little off topic from the video. Words just starting flowing and, I guess I'm trying to not hold back so much. Watch this video. It's heartbreakingly beautiful and I'm sure I can write a million words about it alone.